Tanto tempo, e adeus, velho amigo.

Well, apparently it's been quite some time since I've posted anything. I haven't shared that I got married. I haven't shared that I have a new job! And both of those are quite exciting events in my life. I haven't shared that I started school again. Which may have its abundant sides, but in the end, it's just a stressful adventure to get me where I ultimately want to be (career wise). But all of that is fodder compared to what I came here to do. I came to vent. So, if you feel that your life is full of enough drama, and downpour of bad opinions and such, then maybe reading this now is simply not for you. Maybe you'll have to come back, or avoid this post altogether. Either way, you've been warned. I used to have a friend. She was upbeat, slightly sassy, full of life, and full of hope for her future. Lately she has...changed. I don't know what's going on with her. I know that we've moved apart over the years, and that's on both of our parts. See, a relationship can only stay together if both individuals are invested in keeping it together. It's not hard to pinpoint when our relationship changed, and I probably wouldn't go back and change that. In truth, I feel somewhat relieved that she and I are no longer friends. But my grievance comes from seeing how her life has changed so much in just a short time period. She smokes (or so her pictures would lead you to believe). She drinks. Poses naked for pictures you don't ever wish to see from anybody you know (regardless of relationship status). Says and does things that were not a part of her original personality. Now, before you start to think these changes are a natural part of life, I know and understand that. I know that change is a piece of the puzzle to life. I know that without change we could never acheive who we are meant to be. I know that the changes we make to our own personality are ours to control. I know this. But it doesnt change the fact that people don't generally pull a 360 change. In one of my classes from college, it was discussed to no end that our personalities are stable over time. That by the time we are 6 our personalities are extremely well formed, and for the most part, permanent. To see the way my old friend has changed causes me to feel grief for her. I feel both sad and angry at the same time. Angry that she feels that she can step in at any time, and conduct a search/investigation to a mutual friend's death. Anger that she feels so entitled to destroy and vandalize another's personal property. Who is she to finally step up to rectify her guilt at not being a friend when she had the chance? Who is she to decide that slashing tires was acceptable ventilation of guilt and anger? I feel sad for her because I once saw her happy. I saw the person she was when she chose to be the best self she was designed to become. I saw her smile, genuinely and without force. I heard her laugh and joke the way she did in Jr. High. And I feel sad that she chose this path. I feel a seperation from the people who loved her the most. While I may have been a better friend at one point, and I most certainly had power to change some of my actions between the two of us, I cannot help but feel estranged. I no longer want to be her friend. I no longer want to see her posts on facebook. To get her messages for her boyfriend's art shows. I have nothing left to invest with her. Yet, I don't break that string. My sister and I were talking about this not so long ago, and she commented that maybe, just maybe I feel these feelings because I still care about my old friend. Perhaps, I still love her and I don't want to see her destroy a life that once had unobjectionable joy. And perhaps, my sister has a point. But how do you continue to befriend a friend you don't feel deserves your friendship? How do you love someone when you're also just a little angry with them? Is there ever a point in life when it's right to move on, and say good-bye to those who you used to know? When do you know? When do you find a way to judge for yourself that sometimes, just as the passing of seasons, it's time to end a relationship that's no longer there? And how do you justify to yourself, that you shouldn't feel bad about wanting the end? Sometimes it's best to walk away. Isn't it? I don't know what I expected from this post. I don't know if I crave feedback, or advice. I don't know if I will feel better after posting this. I just know that sometimes it is better to let go. I just wish I knew when the timing of letting go was right. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I'll write another post soon.