An honest confession of life

I wasn't exactly a "happy" child. If you were to ask anybody in my family, they'd tell you I'm never happy. And if you were to tell them that I'm always happy, they'd never believe you. I grew up thinking that it wasn't okay to feel anything but happiness. That life was supposed to be a sugar coated land of laughter, and smiling. Where problems don't exist.

My whole life, I've been told it's not okay to get upset. That it's the devil getting inside, and controlling me. That it's not okay to hurt, because it'll lead to depression. I've been told that it's not okay to cry, because it shows people that you're weak.

And to be honest, I've never understood this. I figured, if there is opposition in all things, then shouldn't there be opposition in happiness? I mean, how does one fully enjoy being happy if they're never sad? How can I experience a peaceful calm in life if I'm never angry, or upset? Why should I relish in the serenity of relief if I'm never allowed to experience the storm?

I have come to the conclusion that it's okay to hurt. It's okay to be angry sometimes. Granted being angry all the time is not ideal, but sometimes it's okay. I find comfort in the quiet hours of the morning on nights when I can't sleep. I enjoy going outside when everybody else is asleep, and looking up at the stars, thinking of what I've felt during the day. I remember the moments when I got upset, and laugh at the times when I was happy. I smile at the stupid mistakes I made. And sometimes, when I find it appropriate, I even allow myself to cry. I can't begin to describe just how good it feels to be able to cry, a good gut wrenching sobbing, tear my throat out from screaming, type of cry. I'm twenty five years old, and I am openly admitting that sometimes I have to cry. Recently it's more of a curl myself into a ball, and duck my head to my chest type of cry. But it feels good to be able to get it out. It's like vomiting when you're sick. You have to get it out of your system.

In my opinion, simply from one human to another, I am telling you this, we are meant to feel the way we feel. We have been designed to feel pain, anger, scared, depression, apathy, mute, calm, silence, joy, laughter, happiness, loved, confused, blessed, humility, shame, content. It is not a coincidence to feel the way we feel. Sometimes we have to hurt, before we get better. Sometimes we have to feel love before we are broken. Sometimes, we have to allow ourselves to sink, so we can learn to climb back up.

I'm so grateful to feel. I know Dr's say there are only five senses; sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. But I truly believe there are six. Being able to feel is a sense. However, allowing yourself to know what you're feeling...that is a talent. Allowing yourself to feel, is an open honesty.